Why Exchange is Smart She Magazine , February 2002

Swapping skills and experience is the latest way to feel fulfilled and valued. It could even add a whole new dimension to your social life...

When was the last time you felt that lovely warm sensation of being really "connected" to, and valued by the people you spend time with -- at home, at play and at work? Sure, a bar of kitten heels can give you an instant feelgood buzz, but feeling like a vital part of your personal community doing is a more sustained high that makes every day more enjoyable and worthwhile.

Yet there are signs that many people are missing out on this wonderfully "cocooning" sense of fulfilment. Materialistically, we may be better off than ever, but with the birth of the electronic age and longer working hours, we're in danger of becoming a nation of loners. People have learned to function autonomously, relying on nobody but themselves for support, and along the way they have lost their sense of belonging. In America too, communities are in crisis. In his ground-breaking book Bowling Alone: The Collapse And Revival Of American Community (Simon & Schuster, �10), Robert Putnam points out that Americans have become so disconnected from friends, neighbours and family, that they even go bowling alone, something previously unheard of.

"We have identified something called 'communal yearning'," says Rachel Clare, senior consultant at the Henley Centre, a consultancy that predicts future trends. "People feel they are retreating into a 'my' world existence and are missing out on an immediate sense of connection or community."

"There's no doubt we're living in a me-me culture," agrees Rev Dr Michael Moynagh, co-director of the Tomorrow Project at St John's College in Nottingham, which is researching how life may change between now and 2020. "But there's another side to us -- it's human nature to want to be part of a community."

The good news is people aren't ready to succumb to social isolation just yet. They're reclaiming the community spirit -- and they're doing it in a new, innovative and totally unexpected way. Jenny, 39, discovered the therapeutic value of "swapping" six months ago: "I'd been seeing a homeopath for a year when my husband was made redundant," she says. "When I explained that I couldn't afford to come any more, she offered to continue treating me for free. I was so touched that I burst into tears. At the next session I mentioned that I was a singing tutor and would love to give her a lesson, which she accepted. We never set out to have this give-and-take arrangement, but it's worked out really well. Even though it's helped me out financially, at heart it's not a money thing -- we've both noticed a new closeness between us and I definitely feel more valued and positive -- part of something bigger."

As Jenny has discovered, you don't have to subscribe to a group or organisation to regain a sense of purpose and belonging. "People just aren't buying into political or social ideologies or joining institutions or clubs. They don't want to sign up to something in a structured way," says Rachel Clare. Rev Dr Moynagh agrees: "People don't want to be tied to rigid communities where they have commitments forever. What they're looking for," he says, "is a more free-floating sense of community."

"I've never liked the idea of joining a group," says Sarah, 37. "But I have always felt that the old-fashioned sense of community is sadly lacking these days -- especially in big cities. Luckily I tapped into this by accident when my next-door neighbour spotted me struggling to tame my jungle of a garden.

"We got chatting -- over the garden fence -- and she offered to lend me her new lawn mower and, better still, to give me a helping hand with the digging. Then she started leaving cuttings on my doorstep. I invited her over for a drink one evening as a thank you and noticed that she spent a long rime looking at my book shelves. She admitted that she's always wanted to read more, but didn't know where to start, so I was really happy to be able to recommend and lend books to her in return. What's really nice is that the whole experience has inspired me to try this two-way exchange with other people."

A number of organisations are formalising this process -- the London Time Bank (www.londontimebank.org.uk) and Time Banks UK (www.timebanks.co.uk), for instance, create a framework for residents in different areas to trade "time credits" with one another and exchange their skills, from plumbing to reiki. Fairshares (www.fairshares.org.uk) is a similar scheme that's been set up in Gloucestershire. it works on a "time bank" principle and has helped to build a community network, with everyone from web designers to childcare professionals getting involved.

The great thing about swapping is that is encourages you to be open to new people and experiences in a very upbeat and positive way. This was exactly what Jean needed when her husband walked out on her four years ago. She became, she now admits, a bit of a social hermit and when she did go out. she was cynical about other people's intentions. Then a friend introduced her to Simon.

"Simon was learning shiatsu massage and needed people to practise on," says Jean. "I wasn't keen, especially when my friend said he wanted a home-cooked meal as payment, but she kept on at me, so eventually I agreed. And I'm so glad I did. As soon as I met Simon, I was struck by his wonderfully calm aura and I immediately felt relaxed. He gave me a lovely massage and over dinner we chatted like old friends."

The two now regularly swap skills and Jean says it bas helped them both enormously. "Simon spends a lot of time at home caring for his wife, who's confined to a wheelchair," says Jean. "Doing this gives him the chance to have a bit of a break, and he says that having someone cook for him is a real treat. As for me, meeting Simon has restored my faith in human nature. I've become much more positive and open since we started skill swapping."

The good news is that, however practical these two-way exchanges are to start off with, they always end up going beyond the merely useful to boost your self-esteem as well. "You need to be actively contributing to I feel valued and to feel a sense of self-worth," points out Professor Tony Cassidy, a psychologist at Thames Valley University. "Giving makes you feel better about yourself," he says.

Fiona, 36, works in human resources and for the past three months has been swapping skills with an acquaintance she met at her local beauty salon. "While I was having a manicure, I started chatting to the owner, Rebecca, and she told me that she was trying to think of how she could re-market the business," explains Fiona. "I said I could help her come up with some eye-catching posters, because I'd recently completed an art course in my spare time. To my surprise she agreed straightaway. So I took her up on her offer of a regular facial. Now my skin's glowing, but I don't think it's just down to Rebecca's facials. I'd been having a bit of a tough time at work as the company is undergoing restructuring, and before I started helping Rebecca I was feeling undervalued. It felt like my opinions didn't count. Working with Rebecca has been really satisfying. We're both really excited about the plans for the salon. She's been so enthusiastic about my ideas and it's really renewed my confidence."

"The greatest benefit of giving is that it puts you in touch with other people and gives you a sense of meaning and purpose In your life. Not only that, giving is one of the best ways to prevent loneliness," says Rev Dr Moynagh.

A nation of loners? Don't you believe a word of it. Thanks to two-way giving, our sense of community is alive and kicking.

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IT'S A FAIR TRADE... Nine things to give and receive to kick-start the community spirit in your neighbourhood

1 BOOKS Get connected with a book-share scheme. But don't just swap them, discuss your thoughts on what you've been reading -- how it moved you and inspired you or how it made you feel uplifted.

2 CHILDREN'S TOYS AND CLOTHES It won't just save you money, it will also teach your children the importance of sharing.

3 SKILLS Embrace new opportunities by swapping skills, such as culinary prowess or gardening know-how.

4 PARTNERS Is your husband a DIY fanatic? Hire him out in return for someone who likes to mow lawns or tinker with cars.

5 INFORMATION You know something that somebody else doesn't -- whether it's where to find a great plumber or a fab manicurist -- so pick each others' brains.

6 HOMES Give yourself a new perspective on life -- swap houses with friends for a night or a holiday in a whole new area. Or give each other's home a DIY Changing Rooms-style makeover.

7 EXPERIENCES Good or bad, the perfect way to bond wItI1 someone is to share your experiences.

8 CLOTHES A style change could be what you need to pep up your life.

9 CHARITY SUPPORT Raise money for a cause or your child's school by organising a swap-shop auction where you bid for baby-sitting sessions, extra maths lessons, and so on.